A funny thing happened earlier today. I received an unsolicited email - that we would normally describe as spam. Nothing new there, given that 97% of all email is the aforementioned spam.
However, this one wasn't picked up by my mail provider's spam filter. It was titled "Hi". Like this post.
Then I read the content of the message.
I simply HAD to share it. It's too funny. Let's all be clear before you read tho. I have never used, joined, subscribed to - or even looked at - an online dating site. Or any dating service. Ever. Are we clear? Good. Carry on...
Below is (verbatim) the text of the email. I have added some reflections to help you understand my reactions as they unfolded.
Hello dear friend ..
[we're off to a good start, I am neither your friend; nor dear]
I see your structure on a dating site
[sorry!? my "structure"]
And both decided to write to you.
[both of whom? Are we talking about a split personality here?]
My name: Svetlana
[nope, back to singular]
I want you warned, I of Russia, and I have a woman who just do not want a deception. As I heard a lot.
[now I get a bit concerned - as I wasn't already, you understand. "I want you warned, I of Russia". So, we're dealing with the Mafia now...]
I wish you had warned once. I search for serious attitudes. I am looking for marriage and love. I do not play games.
[pack up the house, Jenny, we're on the radar of Russians with "serious attitudes"]
If you want to play with me, then do not write for me. If you are looking also for true and pure attitude then I shall
[now you're just confused. "if you want to play...do not write for me". are you expecting connection by semaphore?]
wait with impatience your letter. I send you as pictures, and I hope to receive your replacement.
[c'mon, you're playing now. you want a letter now. by your own logic, that means if I write to you, I don't want to play. But wait - what is this about sending me "as pictures"? Is this the 21st Century equivalent of sleeping with the fishes? And you're talking of my replacement? Am I to expect a replicant coming to live life in my place? Oh dear, this is email from another planet now...]
I hope we learn that the friend, best friend about the future. I will study, so you can help me, even with what we should do
[eh? you what now? you want to study the best friend? so it's refinatley alien, and we're looking at abduction now. JINGS!]
Overall, it was easier for us.
[back to plural again, there's more than one of them...]
I am a happy person love life and desire to be happy.
[define: "person" and "happy" for me, Ms bi-polar Russian?!]
I of Russia, the city where I live, St. Petersburg, I am very beautiful city. I do not really talk about the city. I love the city. I hope you, I of Russia should not be confused.
[now it's the city speaking. but it doesn't talk about itself. Then it does. "should not be confused". Too late.]
My birthday in February, 19 1980. I anniversary, it is very beautiful day to be happy again.
[now we get an insight into the emotional state of the correspondent. She wants to be happy again, but only on her birthday. which is 10 months away. Sorry about that. Maybe it's not the city after all, St Petersburg has been around since 16 May 1703]
It is pleasant for me, I wish that we continue our friends that we have not lost our interest in us.
[I'm not sure we're friends, but there's no chance of loosing interest]
Dear friend, that our desire was great fun. It is nice to know we talk about a friend of a friend.
[enough with the friend & dear chat, but who is the "friend of a friend" we've been talking about? erm...]
Forgive me please, but I should go. I wish you wrote for me more than I knew more about you.
[you are forgiven, bewildering and very, very confused.]
[is that your real name, or are you just playing games again?]
And that's it. No really, that's it. There were some pictures (*not* indecent), which added considerable more intrigue to the piece.
Perhaps this was a real person. Perhaps this was really the City of St Petersburg, demonstrating (badly) it's first attempt at AI. Perhaps it was some alien observers trying to get their paws on another victim.
Or maybe, just maybe, it's a spammer with a real sense of humour.
No matter what, it's pretty funny.
My favourite part?
It has to be "I see your structure on a dating site". You can't see that as anything other than the work of a comedy genius.
What's your favourite part?